Self-Care for Anxiety—Healing Through the Dark Emotions, part 1

/ Lynnette J Hope/
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We’re living through an incredibly bizarre and unsettling time in history, with this coronavirus mess and its ever unfolding impact—impact that is worsened by and revealing of huge cracks in the system that have been here all along. Every day I hear people describe feelings of fear, worry, sadness, disappointment, despair, grief, and anger. And the questions in the counseling room are often: How can I take care of myself in the midst of these overwhelming emotions? How can I make these feelings go away?!?

I’ve been reading a wonderful book called Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair. Written prior to and published shortly after September 11, 2001, it’s as applicable as ever to today. Prescient, even. Author Miriam Greenspan notes the “critical importance of emotion to individual and collective well-being.” She calls our ability to relate to emotions (in particular to the ones we tend to think of as “negative”) an essential part of living a good life. She suggests that these so-called “dark emotions” offer us healing wisdom, if we can learn to listen.

Fear of Fear

This kind of listening is no small challenge amidst the emotion-phobic culture that surrounds us. “Choose happy!” “Be fearless!” “Don’t sweat the small stuff!” “You’re too sensitive.” “Buck up.” “Why are you being hysterical?” We learn not to listen to our emotions from our well-meaning friends and families, and from the larger systems we swim in, and this affects us not only as individuals but also as a collective whole. Greenspan says: “Our emotional illiteracy as a species has less to do with our inability to subdue negative emotions that it does with our ability to authentically and mindfully feel them. What looks like a problem with emotional control actually has its source in a widespread ignorance about how to tolerate painful emotional energies and use these energies for emotional, spiritual, and social transformation.” We think that if we can control or eliminate our feelings, we’re better off. We believe them to be bad and strive to avoid them at all costs. We tell ourselves we have no reason to feel the way that we do, and we discount and dismiss the wisdom within.

Our Culture Creates Anxiety

In addition to discounting our emotions, we discount the reasons they arise, and that creates a vicious cycle. Counseling and psychology as a whole have often neglected acknowledging the role that culture and our environment plays in our emotional well-being. Greenspan’s book was calling this out 20 years ago, and it’s still happening today. Just when I think we’re getting better about this, I hear a therapist say, “Whenever I see an anxious kid, I know there’s an anxious parent in the home.” Ugh. Though that is sometimes true, I wonder about the other things contributing to the rising epidemic of anxiety in children, who turn into adolescents and then adults with anxiety. Our dark emotions are a response “not just to personal but also to social and global conditions.” Kids are afraid of being shot in their schools, or in their own homes or neighborhoods if they are people of color. Kids are fearful of tornadoes and hurricanes, and the ways in which climate change is shaping their experience of being human on this planet. Kids feel scared that their family will run out of money and will not be able to afford basic and necessary things like food, shelter, clothes, or a trip to the doctor. Kids are afraid of violence and of being sexually assaulted. I hear these things and think: Doesn’t it make sense that kids feel scared? Shouldn’t they? And shouldn’t we? The adults I know and work with have adult versions of these fears. And everywhere they turn, there’s a message not to feel them. “C’mon—look on the bright side!” “Don’t worry—you’re fine.” “How can you be upset right now? You should be grateful for what you have.”

So what the heck are we to do?

Self-Care Practice

If we’ve spent a lifetime ignoring or avoiding our feelings, it can be really scary to start to listen. It can help simply to pay attention to the way in which we talk about feelings, and what that reveals about our beliefs. As a starting point, I’d like to offer a simple (not easy) thing we might practice. I’m combining a few of the exercises (specifically 2 and 3) from the final portion of Greenspan’s book, and putting some of my own language around it:

Cultivate an Affirmative Stance Toward Emotions

Step one: The first step is to notice what beliefs you have about your emotions. As best you can, try simply to be an observer of what you notice—not judging it to be a good thing or a bad thing, just a thing. Use these sentence stems (from Greenspan) as a jumping off point:

  • I think of fear (sadness, anger, etc.) as …

  • What my fear (sadness, anger, etc.) says about me is …

  • If I fully experienced my fear (sadness, anger, etc.) I would …

  • What I’d like most to do with my fear (sadness, anger, etc.) is …

Step two: Notice what beliefs are negative and what beliefs are positive, or affirming, of your emotional experience. Practice replacing the negative beliefs with positive beliefs that affirm the power and wisdom of emotions. Here are some examples (again from Greenspan):

  • I think of fear as a signal to pay attention to something important or urgent.

  • What my fear says about me is that I am human.

  • If I fully experienced my fear, I would be able to enjoy my life more.

  • What I’d most like to do with my fear is use it wisely to serve and protect those I love.

I believe strongly that the language we use is important. How we talk about and to ourselves. How we talk about and to others. Our language affects how we frame and move through the world. One of my favorite things to do—one of my superpowers, dare I say—is engaging in wordplay. It helps me to notice how what I speak and say (whether internally or externally) impacts my relationship with myself and my loved ones and the many others I encounter. Many of the folks I work with as a therapist have found this to be true for themselves as well. And of course how we talk about our emotions is a piece of our language. Would you be willing to try that this week? To notice and play with your language? It’s a simple and critical step in the direction of healing and growth.

If you’re looking for counseling in Nashville, I’d love to help. You can reach me here.